Nurturing... or Not

I know I'm no expert and that I'll make my fair share of mistakes as a parent. However, having married into a family that is night and day different from my own, and that is full of tension, misunderstandings and hurt... I often find myself wondering, "What's wrong with these people?"

Let me back up a minute. About two years ago, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary with a trip to where it all began - Des Moines, Iowa. My husband's family lives about 30 minutes from Des Moines. As this was a weekend to celebrate and enjoy each other (without our children keeping us company), we didn't travel to see his parents.

That's when all heck broke loose. We received 42-point type e-mail filled with anger as a result. Not only did we hear about not visiting, but about events that took place 15 years prior (before my entrance to the scene). Now, being one easy to succumb to guilt... I asked around about this reaction. What I found was that while some parents might be disappointed, that is the highest level of angst this event should have resulted in.

Now, I knew that my husband's relationship with his parents was not as nurturing or loving as my relationship with my own family, but I was truly amazed by the reaction (still am). Husband has not had a relationship with his family since. Now, it seems to be happening all over again - this time to his brother.

It leaves me wondering... what is "normal"? The loving, nurturing, supportive household I grew up in? Or this aggressive, hostile environment my husband and his brother seem to have lived through? I know there are families that go through much worse, but the emotional and psychological abuse parents can submit their children to is incredibly damaging. It is a credit to both these men that they have overcome and are doing as well as they are.

What doesn't make sense to me is how someone can be so eager to blame others, yet never recognize their role in creating the very situations they claim to be offended by. How can a grown adult fail to take responsibility for their own actions when they are screaming for others to take responsibility for their own?