Rewind. Reset. Promises to Myself.

As I sit here contemplating the restart of this journal, I still have a hard time picturing myself as the "journaling" type. I tell myself I'm too busy - that this will be another start that comes to yet another stop. You see, I am a writer but have the damnedest time writing about the personal. With every sentence, I edit myself. The frustration builds and I give up the process completely. Or perhaps I struggle because it is too personal, too revealing and I'm much more comfortable with those thoughts staying in my head where they must most assuredly belong!

However, as I sit enjoying the fall like temps of an early September morning, I am renewed, reinvigorated and inspired to give this endeavor yet another try. Yet again... could it be the condescending voice of the person who recently told me that "it wasn't my time" to be a writer that is whispering in my ear, inciting the achiever in me into action? Maybe I'm tired of waiting for some day to arrive.


Enveloped in the awe of nature that is my backyard in the suburbs, I have discovered I've grown tired of listening to the nay saying voices, whether they be those of others or my own self-defeating murmurings. As I reflect on my life, it becomes perfectly clear that I have it pretty damn good. It isn't perfect, because nothing ever is. But, I am loved completely and unconditionally, and I love with the entirety of who I am. I have an unfaltering support system cheering me to do more, go farther and chase all my dreams. Inexplicably, I am sublimely happy in the never ending chaos of a life filled with work, sports practices, my son's homework assignments, bedtime routines and the constant worry of whether I'm doing everything I need to do as a wife and mother.


Within that worry and constant motion, I find normalcy. I find my touch stone. Then comes the slap-in-the-face realization that the only thing holding me back is the mystifying need to listen to the nagging voices that tell me "not yet" or "not now" - maybe someday. Those voices that are so few they should be crushed in the tide of those telling me I can do anything. The only obstacle to overcome, is myself.


So, today I resolve to begin again! To write - some times I'm sure it will be meaningless ramblings that will make me wonder what the heck I'm doing. Other times the writing will be the deep ponderings of a chaotic mind. It doesn't matter as long as I'm doing it. Someday has arrived!